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Past:
1) 5 Cups rev. news, alliances, false projects
2) 2 Swords rev. imposture, falsehood, duplicity, disloyalty
3) The High Priestess secrets, mystery, silence
4) 6 Cups rev. future, renewal
5) 10 Wands burden
6) The Empress rev. vacillation
7) Ace of Pentacles usually a favourable card, but I think it's meant to represent speedy intelligence here.
Present:
1) 4 Pentacles The picture pretty much says it all.
2) The Tower Ditto. misery, adversity, destruction, ruin
3) 2 Pentacles News, messages in writing, obstacles, agitation
4) Knight of Pentacles rev. inertia, idleness, discouragement
5) 3 Swords rev. mental alienation, loss, disorder, confusion
6) Ace of Cups rev. mutation, instability, revolution
7) 4 Cups weariness, disgust, aversion
Presence of two upright 4's indicates insomnia.
Future:
1) Judgment change of position, renewal, outcome
2) Temperance economy, moderation
3) 6 Pentacles presents, gifts, gratification
4) The Hierophant rev. society, good understanding, concord, over-kindness
5) King of Pentacles rev. vice, weakness, peril, success corrupted
6) 5 of Pentacles disorder, chaos, troubles in love (no shit, sherlock)
7) Page of Wands lover, envoy, postman, faithful friend
Yeah, so it starts off really good but them BAM card five and six....I have no idea. Wish I had gotten a couple more court cards so that maybe I'd have a descriptor of the guy's personality or something.
Overnight, I woke up and all of a sudden, had a revelation on piecing together cards 3-6. I hope it's not what I think it means.
Bottom card - 8 Swords: Self imprisonment
- Mood:
okay
He asked me "How can I get it through your thick fucking skull that I'm not gay?" I wanted to reply "The minute you stop acting like a total queen when you're around me is the minute I'll stop thinking that." But I didn't. You never pull someone out of the closet.
This has me questioning everything in my life now. It shouldn't but there's a reason it does. I've prayed and prayed about finding the someone in my life. For some reason, everything kept pointing to him. And it's not like I was even really wanting it to. I want to leave him alone and Lord knows I've tried. I've tried sleeping with other people, hoping that'd maybe it'd make me forget about him. But it only made it worse. Everytime I looked for love somewhere else, things (really unusual things at that) kept happening to bring me back to him. And I don't fucking understand it. Lord knows I've tried to leave him alone, but for some reason this won't go away.
The unfortunate part is that I love him unconditionally, and thus am stuck. I can't just stop being his friend. He doesn't want to stop being my friend either, apparently, but...
This has made me question whether I really want to stay here, or if I even want to get my Ph.D. I just feel like moving to somewhere where no one knows me. There were other signs that I thought showed me that this is where I need to be, but apparently the Lord likes playing tricks on me or something.
I can't help but be angry. I can't make sense out of this situation at all. He seemed so happy (for him, anyway) when I told him that I was staying in Lexington. He remembers the most meaningless minutiae about me—shit that I often don't even remember about myself.
He doesn't fool me. I'm not stupid, no matter how stupid he tries to make me feel in regards to this situation. And I'm not crazy—I don't fucking hear shit and feel shit that didn't happen. I don't feel touches that didn't happen. I don't hear words that weren't said.
Maybe I should just become a slut again. It's apparently all I'm good for.
"What you did to me made me see myself something different.
Though I tried to talk sense to myself, but I just wouldn't listen.
Won't you go away and turn yourself in? You're no good at confession,
Before the image that you burn me in tries to teach you a lesson.
What you did to me made me see myself something awful.
A voice once stentorian is now again meek and muffled.
It took me so long to get back up the first time you did it.
Took all I had to get it back but now it seems that I've been outwitted.
My peace and quiet was stolen from me!
When I was looking with calm affection,
You were searching out my imperfections.
What wasted unconditional love
On somebody who doesn't believe in the stuff.
You came upon me like a hypnic jerk when I was just about settled.
And when it counts you recoil with a cryptic word,
And leave a love belitted.
What a cold and common old way to go!
I was feeding on the need for you to know me,
Devastated at the rate you fell below me.
WHAT WASTED UNCONDITIONAL LOVE...
on somebody who doesn't believe in the stuff.
...Oh well."
- Mood:
depressed - Music:Uncle Murda - Suicide
Past
1) 7 Swords (rev.) good advice, counsel, slander(?)
2) The Moon hidden enemies, danger, terror, darkness
3) Wheel Of Fortune good luck
4) 5 Cups
5) 6 Cups I think this card, together with the 5 cups and "Wheel of Fortune" signifies starting over
6) High Priestess (rev.) passion, ardour, surface knowledge
7) Justice equity, rightness, reap as you sow
Present
1) 9 Cups rev. truth, loyalty, liberty
2) Strength (speaks for itself)
3) Queen of Pentacles opulence, generosity, security
4) 10 Pentacles gain, riches, family matters
5) Emperor rev. benevolence, compassion
6) Fool rev. absence, negligence, carelessness, vanity, not taking a chance?
7) Empress rev. light, truth, unraveling of involved matters
Future
This is where it turns weird. The first 14 cards are relatively happy cards, but all of a sudden, *BAM* crap. All reversed cards, just about. I think what is happening here with the reversed cards is that these cards take the upright meaning but only after some obstacle has been faced, which is plausible.
1) 7 Wands This is the card that leads to my conclusion about the presence of so many reversed cards. Note that the man is battling a multitude of obstacles, in the form of 6 wands. He, however, is at the vantage position and success is assured. Thus, once this obstacle has been faced, things will get better.
2) Magician (rev.) manifestation, ability to communicate, synchronicity (after some removal of obstacles)
3) Page of Swords (rev.) authority, overseeing, vigilance (but less obvious)
4) 9 of Swords (rev.) "sunshine after a storm"
5) Knight of Pentacles (rev.) utility, interest, serviceableness
6) Death (rev.) new conditions and opportunities after removal of obstacles
7) Star (rev.) For some reason, I was reluctant to assign a very positive meaning to this card. When the card is upright, it represents hope and bright prospects.
While shuffling, an interesting thing occurred. I guess I should talk about how I do readings. First, I take out a court card representing the person whom the reading is about (their significator). So, naturally, I removed the Queen of Swords from the deck before shuffling (this is the card I use to represent myself—it's a rather unflattering self-description, but it's truthful). While shuffling, the Knight of Wands fell out of the deck. I've always thought of this card as a certain person's significator. Weird.
I had been planning to fill out grad school applications starting last week, and i wanted to ask Rudy to write me letters of recommendation. Well, we got to talking and this threw the whole prospect of me RAing for her this spring into question. She didn't want to spend money on a student who wasn't going to stay at the school, etc., which is a completely understandable position. So then I was faced with quite a dilemma.
Do I stay in Lexington, or risk it all for a school/town that I know relatively little about?
A few factors went into this decision.
- I've already been accepted to the Ph.D program, and have passed the comprehensive Masters exams here at UK. I'm not sure if I'd want to do that at another university (which it's highly likely that I would have to).
- As interesting as the material is (not being sarcastic here), I don't necessarily want to repeat the Master's course work at another university.
- I don't have the emotional (or financial, for that matter) capacity to move to a strange place again. Not this soon, anyway.
- My mother's health is getting worse by the day. I need to be close. Not to be morbid, but I give her 5 years :(
- I want to be recognized for my own accomplishments, and not necessarily the school I went to.
- I like the faculty here.
I dunno. The pessimist in me is pretty much waiting for the punchline. Sometimes I wonder if I'm afraid to make myself happy, being that I seem to create my own obstacles.
- Mood: happy
- Music:Method Man - Party Crasher
I'm really confused right now. As people know, I've been doing a lot of prayer lately—it sounds silly, but I've been asking God to bring me closer to the person I'm meant to spend my life with. I pray for this about four or five times a day—and I get signs (and no, i'm not just searching for things—I'm not interpreting every single thing in my life that occurs as a sign)...but I can't summon the courage to do anything about them. I'm not gonna say what these are coz it's kinda personal but..suffice it to say, they aren't mere coincidences.
During my mini-vacation in Louisville, I received the bit of news that I felt to be...the turning point, if you will. It sounds stupid, but I feel like the RA offer is a sign that I'm where I belong. I dunno; perhaps I'm jumping the gun a bit coz it's not set in stone, but for some inexplicable reason I feel like the RA offer is something that'll keep me here. I can't describe it; it's just a strong feeling in my gut that I have.
Which leads me to the question I have. Is the person I'm meant to be with in Lexington? Or will he be at some point? And if he is or will be, who is he?
It just all seems like some....cruel experiment sometimes. These signs—the reason I don't have any courage to do anything is because it's like there's...an underlying magnetism in the signs, but on the surface there's a lot of resistance. That's about as much detail as I care to get into.
There's so much I could write about this, but it's all too embarrassing.
I still have faith it will work out. I think. The waiting just seems to get more painful each day.
- Music:Total - No One Else
Yesterday, I went to see Ms. Russell, this 94-year old lady who's known me all my life. I kinda credit this lady to getting me interested in my probabilistic and risk-inclined side. Ms. Russell has colon cancer real bad and y'know..she's also in her mid nineties. As I hugged her goodbye, I had the strangest, most unsettling thought: "This may be the last time I speak to her or hug her." I never think that about ANY one. I made the comment to my mom and she said "You know...I thought the same thing." :( I hope we're wrong.
My mom and I rented Saw 2 and Saw 3 yesterday. I'm surprised I even slept right last night; those movies were fucked up. I don't think I'm gonna be able to look at a pig the same way ever again, lol.
- Mood: happy
Every time I feel the hurt, the pain, the pure nausea that accompanies loneliness, I close my eyes and take a breath. As I inhale, I silently pray; I pray for a guidance, a sign, some mercy...something. Sometimes I feel like it gets heard and I feel better; other times, I feel like it's in vain and it brings a tear (or two or twenty) to my eye. But I pray. And I pray. It's gotten to where I'm praying four or five times a day (not including the silent prayers I just talked about). One of these days, I'll get the answer I need. What to do until then? Patience has never been my strong suit; maybe this is designed to teach me patience.
I keep ....getting signs but...I've come to a point where I'm not even sure I trust my own judgment anymore—are these signs...or is my imagination just inventing them? I make efforts but they get struck down so I just am kinda like "well this isn't meant for me," etc. But what about the things that present themselves to me...especially at my low emotional points? At this stage, I'm too ..fragile, too broken for lack of a better term, to take anything (short of things being explicitly spelled out ) as a surefire indication.
Rather oxymoronically, I'm happy. Or rather, I'm not unhappy. I just wish I knew why I felt so ...desolate inside, sometimes. Is this normal? I'm just tired of the cycles. I feel great for a few nights and I'm able to keep myself rational and occupied, but then I slip into despondency not too long after. Why? What is causing this? I draw a blank when I ask myself that question.
I dunno. Despite all this, I still have faith that things will work out for the best. It just really couldn't come soon enough, though.
On a less depressing note—teaching.
I finished teaching today. I gotta say it's been a good experience. I had a great set of students who, for the most part , engaged themselves in the material. The grades ended up being how I expected as well—there were a couple people who I wish had done better but...the numbers don't lie :-\. I was able to learn quite a bit from them, which is always good. I learned what works, what doesn't work. For instance, the things that work: labs where they work with partners or groups (not just reading things off a computer), lots of examples, spending more than one class period on a chapter. The things that don't help them absorb material: the labs that are just computer-based; study guides(? —may not be a popular viewpoint, but eh); grading homework liberally (I think I'm gonna be a hardass when grading the homework next semester). Also, I don't think I'm gonna cover Chapters 22 and 23 at ALL anymore. I thought my students understood it well enough, but their exam grades today kinda...proved otherwise. Maybe there wasn't enough time? I dunno. I talked to Dr. Srinivasan about it and he was basically like "Yeah, there's a reason no one covers those chapters" and I was like "I see that." So, this fall, I might just do 1-16 and 21. *Shrug* We'll see.
Schedule
So I got my schedule for the fall. It's pretty fuckin sweet. A lot better than what other people got, lol.
Monday & Wednesday
- 10:00-10:50a - STA 200 Main Lecture
- 11:00a-12:00p - Office hours
- 1:00-1:50p - STA 700 (Foundations of Probability & Inference)
- 2:00-2:50p (or is it 3-3:50...I spotted a 'change of classroom/time' slip in the office today) - STA 665 (Analysis of Categorical Data)
- 11:00a-12:15p - STA 643 (Advanced Experimental Design)
- 11:00a-12:15p - STA 643
- 2:00-2:50p - STA 200-016
- 3:00-3:50p - STA 200-017
- 9:00-9:50a - STA 200-018
- 1:00-1:50p - STA 700
- Whenever the fuck - STA 665
So yeah. Not too bad. I'm not feelin the whole getting up for a 9:00 class on Fridays but...I've had worse schedules (Fall 2006, I'm looking at you).
Coming home
So, I'm coming home for a few days, and I've never looked forward to it more so than now. I've been extremely homesick (I guess out of loneliness?) and I just...I need to get away. I need to forget everything. Not sure if it'll be possible though.
I'm not happy about the weather forecast. Louisville is supposed to have a high of 99 on both Monday and Tuesday and THAT AIN'T CUTE. My mom and I were supposed to go to Greensburg on Sunday, but it looks like that may not happen because it'll be so hot :(; my mom has asthma real bad so, if it's real humid and hot, she's not supposed to be out for a long time. Eh. I just wanted the trip. There's something strangely familiar and nostalgic about a road trip with mom—as if this past year never happened.
Sometimes I want to start over.
- Mood:
pensive - Music:Bob Dylan - Ballad Of A Thin Man
For those who don't know, I've been having a crisis as of late, because I'm not sure where I need to be or even who I need to be, for that matter. It's a different feeling from what I'm used to; prior in my life, I pretty much knew where I was going in the short-term. Now, I'm having to make the decision on whether I want to stay here at UK or if I want to go elsewhere. There's a lot of factors that are pulling me towards both sides, and at the same time a lot of factors that are repelling me from both sides. So I have a lot of confusion going on. Add on top of that the fact that I felt like I didn't have a friend in the world (not looking for pity here) and the increase in my drinking (almost nightly), and you have one big fun amalgam of fuckedupedness. Best made-up word ever. But I digress.
it finally got as bad as I wanted it to get July 4th night. Eh. The important thing is that I decided to finally do something about it the next day. Well, at first I thought that had been a mistake. Here's why:
I went to talk to my psychiatrist (not releasing her name lol) about my problems because...y'know...they're so much fun, I thought other people should hear about them. Well, I told her about how much praying I had been doing lately. She said to me, "Well, the problem is that you're going against God's will by being gay. You need to keep in mind that Satan sometimes gives us signs as well." Yeah, thanks lady. I just sat there like..."Did she really just say that?" Like, if that's your religious beliefs, fine; but y'know, the APA disagrees with you on the whole homosexuality thing and if I come to you for help, at the risk of sounding crass, the last thing I need to hear is scripture telling me how I'm a fucked-up, bad person. She asked me if I read the Bible and I was like "yeah, the parts in red because that's what Jesus actually said, and thus it's the only important part." I made myself happy after saying that. So, needless to say, I'll be finding a new psychiatrist.
However, I realized from this that I do have friends and that I just need to chill out. The whole not drinking thing helps as well.
So enough of the pity party.
My mom and dad are coming up tomorrrow, and I'm excited to see them. I dunno why; I guess given the tumultuous 2 weeks I've had, I really need to see them. Obviously, they don't know about what happened with my psychiatrist, because: 1) I don't want them to worry; 2) My mom would be calling for my psychiatrist's resignation AND head.
I think that tomorrow I'm gonna run by the art shop at Kennedy's. I'm thinking of taking up painting as a hobby, just as a means of expression. I used to use blogs as means of expression but it's getting more and more embarrassing to write about stuff, for me, and I know that not everyone wants to hear it, so I only use it when I ABSOLUTELY need to talk. The piano is therapeutic to a degree, but I also tire of playing the same pieces over and over; also, I'm not the greatest composer, so it's not like I can succinctly vent through music. However, with art I can. So I will, if supplies aren't too expensive.
Amy Winehouse's Back To Black was SUPPOSED to come out on PVG-format sheet music today but musicroom.com has yet to make it available for ordering on their website. So I'm a little peeved right now, given that I've waited seven months for this book hahaha. Bastards.
OK, now for some quick TV and then some cleaning. Boo.
- Mood: happy
- Music:Salt-N-Pepa - Independent (Remix)
It's too hard being friends with you. I dunno why I feel this way but it feels like I have to force you to talk to me. I know you've told me to relax and that if you have a problem, you'll say so. And I should probably take you at your word. But...personally, what someone does to me and how that person acts towards me speaks volumes in comparison to what they actually say.
This has nothing to do with previous situations between you and I.
I just...y'know, it'd be nice if you asked me to do something once in a while, if you initiated a conversation, if you didn't seem to have an aversion to being around me. I dunno...i feel stupid even typing this...it feels like such a childish thing to be upset about.
And the frustrating thing is that I can't talk to you about it, because you just ridicule me when I do. You ridicule me anyway, but it really hurts when I make myself vulnerable to you and you tell me it's "all in [my] head".
I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you want to be my friend, I wish you'd act as such.
- Music:Common - Black Maybe
At least it led to a rather cathartic 4 page journal entry last night.
- Mood: blah
When shit fucks up (Wrae knows how badly this part of my life has gone) EVERY SINGLE TIME I TRY SOMETHING, it starts to make you wonder "What am I doing wrong?" It's discouraging.
I've not had a steady boyfriend. One that I would count anyway. I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever have one. I'm 24 fucking years old and have never been in a relationship.
Maybe I'm...too clingy or something. But, at the risk of sounding sorry for myself, how can I keep from being clingy when I've lost every single time?
A lot of my friends don't understand where I'm coming from, nor do the majority of them care to understand.
I realize love never goes perfectly for anyone. But at least most people find someone to make it worth their while.
I want to withdraw myself from society altogether. I want to just stop talking to everyone because i just do not care what happens anymore. At the same time, I know that will only contribute to my loneliness more. So how do I break the cycle?
Maybe I should get my Ph.D elsewhere. This is just anger and bitterness speaking right now, but...maybe it's worth a look. Right now, I hate it here. I have few friends. I have a lot of acquaintances, sure, but...yeah. Which that's probably my own fault for not opening up to people as I should. I dunno. I have no reason to stay here.
I always feel like things happen for a reason. If things don't go the way you like them to, you're supposed to learn something from them. What the fuck was I supposed to learn from this? That I'm insane? That I should take NO risks ever, even with a small probability of failure? Because that's certainly the lesson I'm taking from this. THAT is why I'm angry at fate.
I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should just stay to myself and heal but alienate people or if i should pretend I'm happy out of hopes that other people will help me heal.
:( Maybe prayer has the answer.
- Mood:
sad
I think what I'm going to do is just....lay off the whole idea of any romantic interaction with anyone for a while and just let it find me. Even though that's what I was doing last time, and that went awfully well.
I like teaching my own class. I feel like I'm going too fast though because I'm usually done after about 30 minutes every day :(...Granted, the first 4 chapters of Moore's textbook are just kinda *dg* but ...I don't necessarily know if those chapters are *dg* to the students. I guess we'll see on the next homework they turn in. The first homework didn't go too badly.
Heh, how apt that I got my music book of female blues songs yesterday.
- Music:Joss Stone - Tell Me What We're Gonna Do Now
Well...I got my comprehensive exam results just now...
I'm now a Ph.D student!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've never been so visibly happy in my life, lol.
Also, ****** is a Ph.D student now which makes me even happier :)
- Mood: happy
Past
A lot of reversed cards :(
1) 10 Cups rev. sorrow, repose of the false heart, indignation, violence
2) Queen of Swords rev. artifice, deceit
3) 9 Cups rev. truth (I guess this is referring to me telling him how I felt)
4) King of Swords rev. perfidy
5) 2 Pentacles rev. enforced gaiety, simulated enjoyment, letters of exchange (our constant IMs?)
6) Page of Wands lover, envoy, postman
7) 4 Swords rev. wise administration, circumspection, precaution, testament
So, these cards don't really seem to go together but they actually do. I fell in love with ****** when I was upset about the other guy, but I pretended to not have feelings for ****** for a while. I finally told him how I felt, but I kinda lost my confidence in him when he freaked out initially (perfidy). Since then, we've been talking virtually every day on IM, and he seems to have been going through a period of soulsearching.
Present
1) 9 Pentacles prudence, safety, success
2) 4 Wands rev. prosperity, increase, felicity, embellishment
3) The Moon darkness, terror, calumny
4) King of Cups rev. injustice, dishonesty, roguery
5) The Empress rev. light, truth, unraveling of involved matters
6) The Hermit rev. unreasoned caution, fear, concealment
7) King of Pentacles valor, realising intelligence
So, we both know how we feel about one another, but it hasn't been spoken yet, which is leading to fear on my part. It's also leading me to press him further and it's making him uncomfortable, probably (roguery). Regardless of our knowledge of each other's feelings, we're both proceeding really cautiously. I'm switching in between recklessness and overcaution; maybe it averages out?
Future
1) Ace of Pentacles perfect contentment, ecstasy, felicity
2) 5 Cups happy marriage but not without some frustration, transmission
3) Temperance economy, moderation, frugality, accomodation
4) The Tower rev. the change gets less scary, internal change (see explanatory card below)
5) 6 Cups pleasant memories, new relations, new knowledge
6) Knight of Wands rev. rupture, discord, frustration
7) 4 Cups blended pleasure, contrarieties
Explanatory card for The Tower rev.
3 Wands rev. end of adversity and disappointment
So, I think that the future cards mean that we WILL end up being in love (the Ace of Pentacles is the best card you can ask for), but it will not be perfect. I dunno.
Bottom
The stupid picture won't upload. The card I got on the bottom is the Knight of Swords. It represents skill and bravery, sometimes too much bravery.
The lights are on but no one's home
She's so vacant
Her soul is taken
He thinks "What's she running from?"
Now how can he have her heart
When it got stole?
So he tries to pacify her
Cuz what's inside her never dies
Even if she's content in his warmth
She is plagued with urgency
Searching kisses
The man she misses
The man that he longs to be
Now how can he have her heart
When it got stole?
So he tries to pacify her
Cuz what's inside her never dies
So he tries to pacify her
Cuz what's inside her, it never dies
So he tries to pacify her
But what's inside her never dies
So...in 5 days I will either be really (or at least a third) relieved or really upset. We have comprehensive exams starting May 29, for my friends who don't know, and I'm not..I dunno. I feel like I'm ready, but then I get worried and I'm just like "i'm gonna fail these :("...I've done as much studying as possible, but..I'm just scared of what's gonna happen I guess. I mean, I dunno...I'll be ok either way, I know, but I have personal goals and I have this tendency to beat myself up when I don't attain said goals. :(
Wish me luck, folks.
Also, jealousy sucks.
- Music:Michael Mind - Blinded By The Light
So be it, I'm your crowbar—if that's what I am so far
Until you get out of this mess.
And I will pretend that I don't know of your sins
Until you are ready to confess.
But all the time....
All the time,
I'll know.
I'll know.
And you can use my skin
To bury secrets in
And I will settle you down.
And at my own suggestion,
I will ask no questions
While I do my thing in the background
But all the time,
all the time...
I'll know.
Yes, I'll know.
Baby—I can't help you out while she's still around...
So for the time being, I'm being
Patient.
And amidst this bitterness, if you'll just consider this,
Even if it don't make sense.
All the time, give it time...
And when the crowd becomes your burden
and you've early closed your curtain,
I'll wait by the backstage door.
And while you try to find
The lines to speak your mind
And pry it open, hopin' for an encore.
And if it gets too late for me to wait
For you to find you love me and tell me so...
It's okay.
Don't need to say it..
So...in regards to that particular situation I referred to a couple weeks ago. Things are a lot better. In fact, it seems like we're closer now than we were beforehand. He and I had a talk the other day. He asked me what made him think he was gay...and I didn't know how to respond because I didn't want to be like "uh...everything?" Kinda felt like he was reaching out. I dunno. I said to him "If you are gay, and you need to talk about it, I'm here." Now, we're (at least attempting) spending a lot of time with each other :)...I think he knows that I truly care about him, and respects that. Lord knows whether he cares about me though.
I finally got my grades. They were as expected:
- STA 601 - Theory of Statistical Inference II - A
- STA 603 - Introduction to Linear Models & Experimental Design - B
- STA 624 - Applied Stochastic Processes - A
I barely got the A in 601 :(. The take home final fucked me up, as I expected it would. I'm not really mad about the B in 603...coz hell, I didn't even put in the effort for a B. So yeah.
I keep getting the strangest feeling that I forgot to pack something. I'll get to WV and be like "fuck, I forgot -----". I shall post pictures of the trip when I get back.
- Mood: happy
- Music:Tiesto - In The Dark
Past
1) 4 Pentacles (rev.) suspense, delay, opposition
2) 9 Wands (rev.) obstacles, adversity, calamity
3) 6 Cups memories, looking back, happiness from the past that has vanished, pleasant memories
4) The Fool (rev.) negligence, vanity, carelessness
5) King of Wands honest, conscientious man, good marriage(?)...may symbolize Dustin
6) The Lovers (rev.) wrong decision, failure, foolish designs
7) The Chariot (rev.) loss of control, riot, quarrel, dispute, defeat
Present
1) The World (rev.) inertia, fixity, stagnation
2) 2 Pentacles (rev.) enforced gaiety, simulated enjoyment, letters of exchange (IMs?), ignorance, injustice
3) Knight of Pentacles utility, interest, responsibility, rectitude, useful discoveries, or a useful man
4) 4 Cups (rev.) novelty, presage, new instructions, new relations, contrarieties
5) 3 Pentacles (rev.) mediocrity, puerility, pettiness, weakness
6) 9 Swords (rev.) healing, doubt, shame, suspicion, imprisonment
7) Ace of Pentacles (rev.) bad intelligence
Future
1) 8 Cups (rev.) great joy, happiness, feasting
2) 10 Cups contentment, perfection, good marriage beyond expectations
3) 9 Cups (rev.) truth, loyalty, liberty
4) 8 Pentacles (rev.) cupidity, vanity, exaction
5) 8 Swords (rev.) being set free essentially
6) Knight of Wands friendly young man
7) Empress (rev.) light, truth, public rejoicings
3 reversed 8's indicate a spectacle.
I didn't understand card #4 so I dealt an explanatory card.
8 Wands (rev.) arrows of jealousy, internal dispute, stinging of conscience
This card was on the bottom:
The Hierophant (rev.) society, good understanding, concord, unconventionality
- Mood: okay
- Music:Bill Maher
- Music:Joe Budden - Last Real Nigga Left
